Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Ultimate Tale of Action, Comedy, and Drama

The Ultimate tale of Action, Comedy, and Drama
I was born on the night of December eighth, 2000. I was born while a raging blizzard was blowing it’s way through. I weighed eight and a half pounds at birth setting me at the biggest baby of my mom and dad’s kids. Needless to say most of the weight was my gigantic head, which I didn’t grow into until two years ago, and even then it still looked huge.
Obviously I don’t remember much about my early years other than my relatives saying I was heavy, and kind of stressful to carry. Surprisingly, I cried very rarely. Well, not when boots are thrown at my face, or maybe when I got dropped upside down in a Walmart parking lot. You may be wondering how the boot thing happened. Well, my mom was in the doctor’s office and left me on the bench with my fighting sisters. At one point Lisa got so angry she took of her boot and chucked it at Helen, who dodged it, and hit me right in my baby face.
When I was four I was a little thug. You may be asking how can a four year old be that awesome, are you forgetting this PPOW is about me already? That’s a little sad, but anyway at my aunt’s wedding I was picking up chicks like no other. There is a picture of me holding another girl’s hand and me smiling like I know something you don’t. Needless to say I truly was AWESOME at a young age.
By this time you should have tears in your eyes, unless you're some kind of humorless, dull robot. Anyways, when I was four, I also did something so stupid that when I think about it I cringe. When Derek and I were at our babysitter’s house we liked to jump off this little freezer in the toy room thinking we were so awesome. Eventually the babysitter told us to stop, but I was 4 and didn’t listen to rules. Derek and I went back to our routine of jumping off it until that one fateful day.
That day we were jumping like usual until I tripped before jumping, and somehow broke my arm from a two foot fall. I ran upstairs, and showed the babysitter my career ending injury. She asked how this happened, and I thought I wouldn’t get in trouble if I lied. I told her that Derek pushed me, with my best poker face on. Needless to say Derek got a good spanking, and she still thinks he did it to this day.
Pre-school was easy during this time because the teacher wrote my answers down for me. I smiled while telling answers thinking that breaking my arm was genius.
Now that I have wasted almost half this PPOW talking about my early years let’s skip to when I was nine. This year everything went bad at once which almost broke me. In the beginning of the year of  2010 I got a girlfriend! I thought I was the most amazing thing since sliced bread. We were together for three months before one week brought me to my knees. That week on Tuesday my girlfriend broke my heart and left me. Then maybe two days later my parents told me they were getting a divorce.
For two weeks I didn’t talk too much. My mind was stuck in the great depression. Not to mention someone made fun of my parents getting split up. I almost went feral on that person, but I kept my cool. That year I also got my first and only referral. (Unbelievable, right?) By this time I was doubting my existence mattered. But, my friends helped me through this rough patch, and I eventually felt better.
The next year my dog Mickey died from swallowing something in the bathroom. I didn’t cry when she was buried but cried very soon after.
Let’s get off this sad part before one of you start balling, and ruin my story. By this time in my life my intelligence greatly increased, and my reading level was good enough to understand college textbooks.
Let’s talk about one of the most stupid people I’ve ever known and hated. If you were in my class in sixth grade you know who this person is. If you weren’t I feel sorry for you. This is a story about someone named Sean.
When I was 10 or 11 my mom started dating a dude named Lance. He had a son named Sean. I met him in the beginning of summer. At first he was cool, then his idiocy started to surface. Him and I were in the living room, and I shot a nerf gun at a light above us. Sean saw this and to get this down he grabbed the heaviest dog toy next to him and smacked the light. Good news; the nerf dart was off the light. Bad news; The light was off the ceiling.
Another time was at a July fourth party. We went to Lance’s friend’s party for the fourth. First thing we did was we went inside and ate. Boys at another table were making fart noises until some tall girl came in and told them to stop. Then I hear another fart noise, but the boys at the table didn’t do it. I look at Sean across the table and he has a huge smile on his face as if he did the most funny thing ever in the history of comedy.
Then it was time to set off fireworks, Sean set off like 20 fireworks that night. I set off five before my mom told me to stop. By the end of the night I became a little rebel and lit off a big one. We went home later, and I told them I lit off a big one thinking I was such a stud. Sean had this look on his face like diarrhea just struck. He pipes up asking if he can light off almost all the fireworks since I lit off the big one. I was about to scream telling him he is an ignorant cave man until my mom said, “Yes.”
That night Sean set off almost all of them giggling like a giddy little kid on christmas eager to open his presents. I sat there with a disapproving face giving him a death stare good enough to make even the toughest guy around cower in terror.
That was only a couple of highlights from Sean’s constant stupid actions. If you want more just ask me sometime.
Well, this went quickly didn’t it? This is getting long so I will continue it in another PPOW. Shhh it’s okay I know it sucks, but I will continue it later.

1 comment:

  1. Your story is hilarious and I laugh even more every time I read it. My favorite part was when you thought breaking your arm was genius. I love your story and you better make another one!


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